I guess I am just overthinking things too seriously, I just feel like all the effort I put, trying to put myself out there, gets no results. Maybe people have their own lives, maybe I am just beyond the point of creating strong relationships of people. For example, I think people are have created cliques in my frat, and its just too hard to join them already.
Maybe I am doing the wrong things, or its my actions that are drifting me away from making friends. For example, I work, I go home, or I spend time with my friends back home that takes away special moments which could bring people together.
Maybe there is something wrong with me, that I am just too fucking weird, too fucking ugly, too fucking whack that nobody wants to be my fucking friend.
Maybe everything is working against me, that is just making me fucking alienable to my friends.
Whatever the fuck it is, I do not fucking care anymore. I have had it, I am tired of trying to please other people so that I can enjoy the happiness that comes out of social relations. I am either doing the wrong things or overthinking this shit way over, and its just fucking with my future. I mean the point of me going to college is to get a good job, and fucking it up over nothing is pointless. That is my problem. Balance, I cannot balance two opposing forces to achieve peace of mind. I cannot lose weight because I either go on a fucking eating rampage or go completely cold turkey. I cannot be happy in school, because I cant enjoy a nice social life without focusing on school. I fucking hate it. I am tired.
The past week, I kind of realized that I prefer to be alone. It is peaceful, I dont deal with other people's ideas, attitudes, or the stress with trying to please other people. I just focus on my attitudes and what I want to do. It is kind of selfish, but fuck, sometimes it is just the most peaceful way. I am tired of feeling to pain of not being socially accepted, I would rather focus on my personal goals instead of fucking them up for nothing. That is why I deleted all my social networks. I am tired of you assholes. Fuck you.
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For my dad, fuck man. Give me a break. Being a teenager is fucking difficult. Why cant you see that. You call me selfish, but you get mad whenever things the way you want it do not end up your way. You are a fucking drug addict.
I told him to use my brother's insurance money (the money I was using to pay for school) to go to a legitimate rehab center. I hope he does it. I am tired that my Mom and I go through the shit he creates because of drugs. Fuck drugs, fuck alcohol, fuck everythign lol.
I do not know what the fuck is going to happen. What the shitty way to end the year. I am probably going to spend Christmas alone. I am just, ughh. I am so disgusted with who I am right now, and what I have to deal with. Sometimes, I just fucking arghfau.
I cant fucking complain, I know that. So many people have way fucking worse than I do. It just fucking sucks, you know. It just does.
You probably have no idea what I am talking about, you probably think I am just some emo motherfucker complaining about stupid shit. Well you know what you will see a different side of me from now on. Something's got to give. I am tired of life always fucking sucking balls. I cant play with the hand I have been dealt. I need to change my cards.
