something's got to give

haha. thats all you can do when you look back at the stupidity of youth. laugh. right now i am currently still on the ucsd campus, not even in my own dorm. i recently got in an argument with my father, over grades. it wasn't like i failed or anything, i just didn't get straight A's, or something close to it. Three B+'s and a C. To be honest, I do not really know what happened this quarter, I guess my heart was more geared towards building on my relationships with my fraternity.

I guess I am just overthinking things too seriously, I just feel like all the effort I put, trying to put myself out there, gets no results. Maybe people have their own lives, maybe I am just beyond the point of creating strong relationships of people. For example, I think people are have created cliques in my frat, and its just too hard to join them already.

Maybe I am doing the wrong things, or its my actions that are drifting me away from making friends. For example, I work, I go home, or I spend time with my friends back home that takes away special moments which could bring people together.

Maybe there is something wrong with me, that I am just too fucking weird, too fucking ugly, too fucking whack that nobody wants to be my fucking friend.

Maybe everything is working against me, that is just making me fucking alienable to my friends.

Whatever the fuck it is, I do not fucking care anymore. I have had it, I am tired of trying to please other people so that I can enjoy the happiness that comes out of social relations. I am either doing the wrong things or overthinking this shit way over, and its just fucking with my future. I mean the point of me going to college is to get a good job, and fucking it up over nothing is pointless. That is my problem. Balance, I cannot balance two opposing forces to achieve peace of mind. I cannot lose weight because I either go on a fucking eating rampage or go completely cold turkey. I cannot be happy in school, because I cant enjoy a nice social life without focusing on school. I fucking hate it. I am tired.

The past week, I kind of realized that I prefer to be alone. It is peaceful, I dont deal with other people's ideas, attitudes, or the stress with trying to please other people. I just focus on my attitudes and what I want to do. It is kind of selfish, but fuck, sometimes it is just the most peaceful way. I am tired of feeling to pain of not being socially accepted, I would rather focus on my personal goals instead of fucking them up for nothing. That is why I deleted all my social networks. I am tired of you assholes. Fuck you.

--

For my dad, fuck man. Give me a break. Being a teenager is fucking difficult. Why cant you see that. You call me selfish, but you get mad whenever things the way you want it do not end up your way. You are a fucking drug addict.

I told him to use my brother's insurance money (the money I was using to pay for school) to go to a legitimate rehab center. I hope he does it. I am tired that my Mom and I go through the shit he creates because of drugs. Fuck drugs, fuck alcohol, fuck everythign lol.

I do not know what the fuck is going to happen. What the shitty way to end the year. I am probably going to spend Christmas alone. I am just, ughh. I am so disgusted with who I am right now, and what I have to deal with. Sometimes, I just fucking arghfau.

I cant fucking complain, I know that. So many people have way fucking worse than I do. It just fucking sucks, you know. It just does.

You probably have no idea what I am talking about, you probably think I am just some emo motherfucker complaining about stupid shit. Well you know what you will see a different side of me from now on. Something's got to give. I am tired of life always fucking sucking balls. I cant play with the hand I have been dealt. I need to change my cards.

im drifting in deep waters

alone with my self-doubting again

try not to struggle this time

for i will weather the storm

i gotta remember, dont fight it

even if i, dont like it

somehow turn me around

no matter how far i drift

deep waters wont scare me tonight

I look in the mirror

Disappointment, regret, disgusted, and angry. I am the only one who can change those ideas though....Need to fix everything up.

Am I weird?

So why wont you ask me to hang out with you?

Thoughts so far

Hey,

So things are looking too good right now. I am pretty broke, I havent lost any weight, and I am not doing to well in school. My midterms came back and they were pretty much shit. I am completely lost in my multi variable calc class. I have been procrastinating to the max right now, and I am only managing to do average. It sucks, because if you did not know already my dad is pretty anal about me getting good grades. So all I can do is sigh and get myself back together. It is like climbing out of quicksand. You have to be smart about what you do, or else one false move and you are pretty much fucked.

On the other hand, I am working right now so some cash is coming in. I just need to be smart with money, just do other day I spent like 80 dollars in one day. Wtf. I remember back to my old days, when I would hustle like crazy and save my money. It seems I cant do that now. I remember last winter too, when I would work out like three times a day, and study like crazy. I was antisocial, but I was doing pretty good. Loneliness killed me at that time, but it seems like my disappointment is taking its toll this time. I have said this before, but the grass is always greener on the other side.

So, going back to the idea of my title, here is some of the knowledge I have gained through this quarter:

- Nothing worth having comes easy:
You can only take pride in hard work. Nothing impressive comes easy. Practice, discipline, dedication. With these features you can conquer anything.

- Intellect is the most attractive feature:
Although I am trapped by the social construct of attractiveness in the opposite sex, the feature of intelligence and wisdom appeals to me the most. As of now, I am attracted to this one girl who I can connect on a whole other plateau. Her mind is beautiful, and it drives me crazy.

- Happiness is only achieved collectively:
You cant be happy alone. You need to share with someone else, or a group of friends.

- Dont do nothin':
Keep yourself busy. Whether its school, friends, work, etc. Do not waste time, be productive, and most of all be happy with what you do. You never know if you will reach tomorrow.

- I will never be content with myself:
I do not know if this applies to anyone, but for me being content with life is impossible. When I do well in school, I feel like a loner. When I hang out with friends, I feel like a failure. I am always self conscious and never take pride in myself. I can only change myself and I know this. I guess what I am trying to say is, lol idk. Youth sucks.

- Do well in school:
Just do it. You might as well. It will benefit you in the future, and not as many people have this opportunity.

So I guess, just keep going on. If you are not happy with yourself, work harder and stop bitching like I am on this blog. You have to work hard to be happy. And I guess share your happiness with others. There is nothing more fulfilling to me than seeing other people happy because of my actions. Fuck the past too. Learn from your mistakes, learn how to win. Don't dwell in regret, its wasted energy. Move on.

I will try to. I hope you do too.

"You can make the future, but its starts with leaving the past"<-- I think I have blogged this before lol.

i need to change my ways

now.

Maybe

I will work hard tomorrow

No time

Too busy y'all. Work. School. AKPSI. AND MIDTERMS.

Say what up if you see me on gchat between 12am and 6am. ill be on alot this week.

a new hope

I got a job. Getting pretty close to AKPsi people. School is ok, like my classes, but need to get my studying done.

I guess this blog is just saying that I have been fortunate to get a job in this shitty economy. I feel like I earned this, but could not have gotten it with my journey through my crazy life. Looking back, If I didnt go to hth, I wouldnt have a job there, and I probably wouldnt have gone to UCSD, because I learned about COSMOS at UCSD, which helped influence me to go to UCSD. If I didnt go to HTH but went to UCSD I wouldnt have gotten that job because Jack Kushnatsian would not have recommended me. So what am I trying to tell you? I have no fucking clue lol. I guess its that its funny to look back on your life and see how the pieces fit together. Life is a series of intersecting lives and incidents. Reflect on your life, if you are reading this. It is one of the best things if you live a really good life or really shitty life. Reflect.

Thank you Jack Kushnatsian, even though you are most likely never going to read this. I am eternally grateful. I have a lot of school work to catch up on. I do not see myself sleeping a lot this next week, with rush week, work orientation, and studying.

So I am in school, I have a decent job, and making some pretty good friends. I am thinking of venturing to another aspect of life. Love. Maybe I am way over my head, but I promised myself if I got a job I was going to take a shot at it. I will let you know what happens with this in another blog.




Oh, I still need to lose weight too.




But, a new hope for a more productive and happy life is here. Going to build on it and make better choices for a better life.

So until then, this life is just a dream.

the beginning of the second year of college

I move in to my dorm at 3:00 pmtoday. I am still not finished packing, plus I need to sleep. I am sorry I have not been updating this, I just never had the heart to do so. This summer, was a failure to me. As I have always believed throughout my life, I did not lose weight. I actually gained weight. Everything I worked hard for, vanished through this summer. I did not get a job, and actually increased my debt. I did not take 2 classes, only 1, but I still managed to get an A.

I have lost my swagger, momentum, and confidence that allow me to be the best that I can be. I hate to blame my problems on other people, but I believe my dad and my Grandma prevented me from achieving my goals. My dad still acts the same. It seems this whole summer. I try to avoid him because of his annoying nature. My Grandma moved into my house for about a month, and now she moved back out. All the work my parents and I did to move her in seems like it was not appreciated, and in all honesty was a waste of our time. Old people, and parents, are some of the complicated things in life.

I read a book, called the Five People You Meet in Heaven, and I learned that in life you are going to have to sacrifice for other people and forgive other people for their mistakes and problems. Its totally easier said than done, but still nonetheless true.

So now, back to the same weight range I was a year ago, and almost 700 dollars in debt, only I can solve these problems. I am taking five classes, and going to have to find a job. I want to get back to the gym, no more serious shit, realistic goals because that is the only true way to lose weight.

On another note, if I have the power to, I do not have to live in this house anymore. And trust me I dont. I am going to do everything in my power to not come back here again, because I only feel trapped and controlled when I am in this house. I love my parents, but I cant live with them. So, this can actually be the last day I am permanently in this house. But I can never tell.

So, back to school. I hope I do everything I am striving for. Good night, and see you around.

the end of day

i am writing this at 3 49 am and i just came home from a party held from my parents friends. i couldnt sleep. i checked twitter and kid cudi said his album got leaked. i have been anticipating this album the whole summer. i am listening to the first song, and the feeling is undescribeable. i am not saying this to be pretentious. this album is going to be very important to me. music is important in my life, and i just wanted to share with you an artist that is so fucking amazing. i am listening to the second song and fuck. this album is going to be crazy. give it a listen. if you dont like it, i could understand because his music applies to my feelings of lonliness, depression, alienation, being an outsider, and feeling that i am just on the moon. this music is gonna get me through many things. im sorry for sounding so lame but i love this shit. here is the link, hopefully you can still get it. if you read this and cant get the link, i will be happy to give you the cd somehow. im probably just talking to dylan. ok ima go now, i probably not sleeping tonight. good night. good music

http://download706.mediafire.com/ytzt2t3xymng/1czgyeztmz2/Kid+Cudi+-+Man+On+The+Moon+the+End+of+day+2009.zip

i feel like

there is nothing left for me in the valley (except the awesome friends), i need to get on with my life in SD.

the place that i call home

is a place i cannot stand anymore.

Why everything that's supposed to be bad make me feel so good?

Everything they told me not to is exactly what I would
Man I tried to stop man I tried the best I could
But (You make me smile)

My name is John Concillo, and I am obese.


I need rehab.

bummer summer

I WISH I WAS WORKING.

I just need a job. It would keep me busy and my mind off shit, and I would be making money. I was hoping to get one, but everywhere is being stingy and wont hire for the summer.

Sometimes I wish I was back in SD. I would be taking classes that I need to instead of taking A CLASS all they was at Santa Monica. I would probably have a better chance of getting a job since it would long term. Lastly, I would be hanging with AKPSI peeps. I feel like I am losing touch with them, I hope it wont be awkward in the fall.....

MOST IMPORTANTLY I wish I had the freedom to be independent. In the valley, there is a restriction for me to be myself because I have to follow certain rules of my parents. I love my parents, and I really should not be complaining, but still, the freedom would be nice. Psh, this will probably be the last summer I will have in the Valley with my parents, next summer I will be living down in SD. We will see what happens, and I will just do things to make it easier.

So, pretty much the only thing certain for me is school and working out. I will have to deal with it. I will attempt to get some part time work on craigslist, htla, or roberts tool co, but money will probably have to wait till I return to SD. I am pretty tired, so I will continue the rest of my thoughts later. Good night.

tomorrow

my fate for summer will be determined

now im awake, sleepless in june

sorry to those reading that i havent updated this in a while (ie Dylan) but a lot has transpired since I had my last post. As I recall I last posted about getting a bid to pledge for Alpha Kappa Psi in UCSD and that it was a bitch doing it. Yah, it was lol. I still can't believe I went through all that shit. Barely sleeping for only like 3-4 hours a night, engaging in conversations with people that sometimes made you do the talking, fucking up in school, and all the workkkk. Damn it was crazy. But the most important thing was that I went through all the hardships with my pledge brothers. Plus I got to get close with some of the active members, and now that I am an active I can honestly say that I have some good friends in UCSD, friends who I believe will last a lifetime. If anything, that was the best thing I got from this fraternity-brotherhood. I am a little excited for next year, cant wait.

So for my first year of college, I would have to say that I was able to do things that I want to do, but not remain dilligent. I know I have the power to do it, its just a matter of me staying on top of it. I got goals for next year, and I know how to achieve them. It is just a matter of me doing it.

June Gloom

That how I am feeling right now. Everything is falling down.

Like I said before, I kind of messed up in school. I feel terrible. I saw that some of my pledge bros were able to put up with finals after pledging. I am totally in awe of that. I look up to them. In fact, that is one goal I have for the next three years. Get the best grades I can. Thats my goal, and I am going to do it.

I was looking forward to a job this summer, but it isnt happening. I thought I had something planned but as life as shown me nothing is for certain. Shit. I hope this summer isnt like last. FUCKFKC. I am seriously applying everywhere, I someone will be willing to hire me.

Losing weight did not turn out that well. I actually gained weight during pledging as opposed to other people, and I stopped exercising. Ugh. My mom signed me up for a gym. I say that I am going tomorrow. But we will see if that happens....If nothing happens this summer, I plan to just lose as much weight as I can.

I was planning to take classes in the summer, but the whole community college system in the valley shut down for summer. Ahahah WHAT cmon! Sucks so bad. What the hell!

So, again my summer is up in the air. I have nothing set, except a class I could take in Santa Monica. So, as of right now I am just trying to find a job and lose weight. We will see what happens....

one more week

pledge period is intense. i am tired. i feel that i have changed so much but have so far to go. i am tired. one more week. actually suprised I went through this shit

bye internet

see you later

the grass is always greener on the other side

never really put much thought into this quote until I went to college. Life is funny man it really is. I dont know if it is just something wrong with me, if there is something in my brain that makes me think things too much. Just got to laugh it off I guess. Im growing up though. Each day I get older and start to appreciate what I have and been given. So I guess this is good for me. But in the end, I dont know. I am only 19, and life is just a dream.

reality check

this fraternity is more than I expected. Strictly legit too. Lots of projects to do in the next few weeks. Gonna only be able to play halo on weekends. Need to manage time more, and stop fucking around. Upside, though, I am meeting a lot of new people. Gonna be fun to get close with new people, and actually enjoy college. I am up for the challenge. Got to get to work though. I feel this frat is good for me, it will keep me productive, focused, and also less of a loner. Lots of work though. Will let you know as it progresses.

im a star how could i not shine

okay so, first of all today was freaking weird. definitely memorable.

in case you do not know, I have been rushing for Alpha Kappa Psi, a professional business fraternity. now I do not know much about it right now, I promise to give you more information later, but they seem legit. There was a rumor that it was extremely difficult to get in, so I had my worries. But fam, who else rises up for the challenge? (douche lol) Anyway I got in, its crazy. I am freaking happy right now. Man. YAH. FUCK. I finally think I am going to have fun at college, and still keep it professional. Its a coed fraternity (I dont know why) but the people are tight. Man, hell yah fuckin dope. Im psyched. YEUH!

Anyway today was hectic. I got so behind in school because I was focusing on trying to get into Alpha Kappa Psi. I put so much time into that shit. Man I spent like 50 dollars buying stupid shoes and fancy printer paper. If those mothersuckas didnt let me in I would fucking go ape shit. but whatever its all good.

yah today I was like fuck it, because I thought I did really bad on my personal interview. I was like "man fuck these fools, I gotta focus on school." I was telling myself I would get a job and shit. I was studying all day and contemplating my future. I had a quiz today, which I was not prepared for. I was trying so hard to cram, and actually nervous about doing bad. but then the professor cancled it. i was like tight, at least some good news. then i went to my dorm, and i got a call from someone i didnt know. it was one of the active members telling me i need to go to another interview. i was like what the fuck. I really was thinking I would not get in. I was like, "if it happens, it happens, fuck it" I went to the meeting with another person, some guy in my Econ 4 class. We were both nervous, we went into the room, and they gave us weird questions. then eventually it was a set up, kind of a tradition. they actually were congratulating us on recieving bids. it was tight. phew man!

yah so these next couple of weeks are going to be intense. gonna get close with my pledge class because we are going to have to do some projects together. but active members told me it was a great experience. reminded me of build season. ha man i cant wait. i have to work hard though. I will. I want to.

Anyway you are probably wondering why I am so like tripping over this. Dude, you do not know. I felt alone in college. I use to bump Kid Cudi's Day N Nite and Man on the Moon all alone in the room. It was pathetic. It was my fault. I was stupid. It is so easy to get to know people. I just overanalyze. I thought I couldnt get along with anyone. But man its just me being dumb. I am going to change from this frat. I mean that. I said to myself I will stop hiding from who I am. I am going to get those good grades. I am going to make my parents proud. I am going to chill with friends and family. I AM GOING TO FUCKING LOSE THIS WEIGHT. FUCKING SERIOUSLY I DONT GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE I AM GOING FULL THROTLE. I am going to start wearing the freshest clothes. JUST WAIT TILL I GET MY MONEY RIGHT. fucking this is a new day. sorry for the language but its from the heart. no looking back. so this is it. im hungry right now. gonna take a walk, go get a light meal. head back, play some halo 3, and wake up tomorrow to the gym and studies. new day peeps. hope there is not that many rants coming

"you can make the future, but it starts with leaving the past"

ok i think im officially fucked

i am so behind in school right now. im not sleeping tonight. im going to work all week. tuesday, long reflective blog post coming. good luck y'all. happy easter

waiting

long post coming soon, just waiting for some news that can change my life. Just wanted to let you guys know, in case you have been wondering. I doubt anyone is reading this though........so right now, I am just waiting.

my steez

check it out

http://johnconcillo.tumblr.com/

dazed and confused

fuck man i am lost. do you ever have one of those times when you are just complete shit. It is a terrible feeling. I guess the best thing to do is to work hard to get yourself back on track. Thats the only way I know how to do it. Just do work. Take little steps. I will do the best I can with what I have.

This upcoming week I am rushing for Alpha Kappa Psi. Wish me luck, I am going to need it. I need to start balancing my studies too. Fuck this is going be hard. I need to sleep. Start over and be fresh. I have done this so many times with my life. Try to rid of my bad habits. It never happens. UghI guess what I am trying to say is do your best. Its all you can do.

Do your best.





I will try.

So far....

Sorry I havent in a long while. I dont know I guess I did not have any work to procrastinate on, so I felt I did not need to write in here. But I will fill you up over what happened on Spring Break

Friday, March 20: Went home via Josh and Jake Tarquinio, went to a quick family dinner, then hung out with Greg, Zach, Jake, and Mack at the Lan Party, Norms, and the Spot. First visit to HTH in a LONG time. I was actually pretty nervous, but I only saw Mr. Chiou and Ms. Wooten, and only Mr. Chiou spoke to me. I do not know why this is such a big deal to me, going back to HTH and all. I guess I will just have to wait until June, when I plan to visit again and talk to teachers. I wonder why I am making this such a big thing, as if I have to impress my high school teachers. I guess I must really look up to them......Norms was pretty good, and some funny stuff happened at the Spot with Greg and Zach. Good times. There is also some significance to this night, maybe to my life. But thats for another post.

Saturday, March 21: Dont really know what happened that day, other than I just playing Resident Evil 5. Borrowed this from blockbuster, pretty good game. I think I watched a Laker game that day, but most of all just chilled.

Sunday, March 22: Woke up to a phone call from Greg, telling me to come to Salsa and Beer. I was pretty tired, but I thought that I heard that Aaron was there and wanted to chill. So I was like, alright cool why not. Went over, and to my suprise found Dylan! Really suprised to see him, was expecting Aaron (although he came which was cool). Met up with Zach and ate at jay in the bay and hit a Boba place. Then Greg and Aaron split and me and Zach went grocery shopping for healthy food LOL. Was actually pretty cool, learned some healthy tips from my homie. We went back to my house going to play RE5 when Greg, Dylan, and Aaron came back to chill and play some Rock Band. Then they split, and I tried to play through RE5 while Zach crashed my pad.

Monday, March 23: Do not really know what happened today either, other then getting to see Mr. Pezzi, MEK and Zach again. I think I played some RE5 and oh yah, I cooked food! Got a delicous meal plan from Zach and tried it out, delish. I think Im going to be doing a lot of this over summer. Hung out with Pezzi at Subway (Oh shoot Pezzi I owe you 6 bucks!), then went over to MEK's house to chill with him and Zach and youtubed it. Pretty funny shit that night. Youtube Demetri Martin, watch the "If I" skit. Fucking hilarious. Definitely worth one hour of your time.

Tuesday, March 24: Was supposed to get a root canal today, but got a call saying it wasnt going to happen. So I think I finished RE5 today and watched they Lakers win again. Basically chilled today.

Wednesday, March 25: Returned RE5 to blockbuster (fucking ripoff 10$ for 5 days), then I had to do some stuff for my car because I am taking it to SD. Then, I had to finally go to the dentist for a "root canal" which actually turned out to be a day one of a tooth filling. Fucking waste of a day.....I was actually supposed to go with Greg, Dylan, and Aaron to Disneyland. Man I am sorry you guys if I messed up your plans. I really appreciate you guys trying to go with me. Seriously.

Thursday, March 26: Continued doing some stuff for the car and finished day two of my tooth filling. Oh I actually got my grades back and to my suprise got an A (not an A-) in both Econ and Math. Really suprised, and cant believe I was able to pull it off. I feel that I could have studied more. Wow, sometimes sky is the limit. Oh also bought Xbox Live Gold for a year, and played Halo online

Friday, March 27: Fixed my dads computer, picked up my car from the shop, and went to Macks Lan Party. Had a pretty good time, played some tight games (lol peggle and online scrabble), and had some good food. Also saw Ben, Ethan, and Jared. Mack, if you read this, I definately appreciated your effort in doing this thing. Good job man.

Saturday, March 28: Hung out with my mom, went to target to get some supplies, watched I Love You Man (really good, worth watching in theatres), and now writing in this blog

Reflection: Basically, I had a talk with Greg, to see how people we knew are moving on with their lives. I think I should begin to do that with myself. Spring Quarter, have so many plans. Lets see what I want to do:
1. Hit 190 -195 lb range
2. Get 3.5 Gpa
3. Get some new friends
4. Get a job(s) for summer
5. Save at least 300$ for summer
6. Join a club/frat

I really think I need to move on with my life, try to do something new this quarter. Its going to take work, but I am going to put effort for this shit to happen.

This spring break, I looked back at my mom and dad. Man we have come so far, but got so far to go, I do not know what I have to do. I am worried for many reasons, but I guess thats for another blog.

I was supposed to work out everyday this week, but only managed to do it once. There are no excuses, BUT I did kind of get sick. Whatever, I was actually looking at me, and I guess I should be proud of myself. I could have easily been about 300 pounds right now, but im 220 right now. I am going to go for another run again, we will see how that goes. But for now, I will give a hand to myself for all my hard work, all the miles I ran, all the times I wanted to not work out, all the food and drinks I wanted to consume, all the pushups, squats, situps, etc. It was hard work, I have to agree. But now its time to move on and build on it. Thats what your boy will plan to do.

So now, its 227 am. I dont know whether to feel optimisic or pessimistic about the upcoming quarter. So im just taking a big sigh, and relaxing one last time before I have to continue on with life. Thanks Spring Break, really well needed.

"What tomorrow has in store we can never be sure"

one more final

I do not know how to feel about this test. I have had three days to study, but I feel that I did not do as much. We will see. Probably staying up late, just to make sure I know everything. The funny thing is, will I remember all this after a month? Am I just memorizing material? Am I actually learning? pshhh man.....whatever. That is how the system is. Fuck it. Need to get a job.

2 finals in 1 day + 2 hrs of sleep = TKO

im tired. im pretty sure i passes my sociology final because it was only pass/no pass (you need C at minimum). So its all good. I did not think the math final was too hard, I needed an A to get an A, and its possible I could have gotten it. But I always fuck up somewhere. I have an econ final on Friday, which is the only thing keeping me from Spring Break. Studying the next the next three days for it and I need an A so got to do it. I am tired, and I dont see the point of writing this. You guys dont get any wisdom from this except how my life is going. Sorry. Hope its entertaining.

Peace

sorry i failed

but who cares






/cry

apology

i need to write this fast because I want to start over at 12. I am fucking up. I have not been studying. I did not work out today. I went off diet. I have been basically doing nothing, fucking pointless shit. And now, all I do is rant on this blog. I could have been out making friends like everyone else in this college, but I confine myself to this room, saying that I need to study when I actually don't. And I just make shit worse. I could have done so much today, go out, work out, make friends, talk to people. But what did I do. Nothing. I have finals on Monday. It is 11:54. I am deciding to go off internet bullshit. I am going to start over tomorrow. Wake up at 7, work out, and study the whole day. I will stay off this blog, myspace, twitter, facebook. I will try. I need to. I need be more productive, instead of complaining and writing in this blog. So at 12, I will start. No more internet till after my 7pm final on Monday. I am sorry I am completely lame.

So I apologize. And I will start over. Maybe I should take a shower, you know how showers represent a new life. Idk, I will do heads or tails. Shit its 11:58. Heads I shower, tails i dont. I NEED A FUCKING PENNY........................TAILS SHIT. whatever. I am going to work. Try. I am sorry. This is me procastinating at my best. I'm off.

addiction

not looking good right now. I should be studying but thats not happening. I just do not have the power to do it right now. I don't have the determination to do what I need to do. It is hard.

I want food too. I am not hungry, I am just dying for the taste of terrible food to satisfy my dissapointment and bad mood.

I cannot fail though. I must do what I need to do. I cannot fail. I cannot fail. I cannot fail. I cannot fail. I cannot fail. I cannot fail. I cannot fail. I cannot fail. I cannot fail. I cannot fail. I cannot fail. I cannot fail. I cannot fail. I cannot fail. I cannot fail. I cannot fail. I cannot fail. I cannot fail. I cannot fail. I cannot fail. I cannot fail. I cannot fail. I cannot fail. I cannot fail. I cannot fail. I cannot fail. I cannot fail.

I did not just copy/paste that.

Need to get it together. jdsaloknhgki8ufrgaguihafiughdainvfadbgdvflbdubdibvisdlfBHVDSFAUBVHGUFDAVIUDSVFDSVBFDISBVFUCK!

going to finally show this blog i guess

finally letting this out for the public to see. I do not even know why I did this in the first place. Whatever. I hope you guys reading my bull shit can help you with your life. I actually enjoy reading blogs, so if you do not have one, I suggest making one. I promise to read everyday. Also, please do not think I am weird/crazy for the shit I write, and comment whenever you please. Only giving this to people I am close to, so if you get this be happy!

long time no post

yah so havent posted recently, just busy and have not been motivated to do it. but something in me today made me want to blog.

Finals are coming up. I am scared. I need to ace two of them and pass another. I made an effort to study as much as I can but like always I am procrastinating by going on facebook, twitter, etc. or just dazing off. Fuck. I will try to do all I can. Some good news: I got full credit from a math quiz for an A. Maybe its a sign to not stop all the work I am doing. Shit I'll take it.

Just watched Watchmen and went home this last weekend. It was worth the money. Some people I saw it with did not like it, I could see why, but I mean I thought the movie was good. I need to see it again though just to understand it lol.

As far as my diet, I have been hovering around the same weight range for about a month already. At least I am not getting fatter right? I am trying to make a push this week and the next two to get to 200 lbs before the start of spring qtr. So far for three days I have been diligent. I guess thats good. I set my usual-I-do-not-give-a-fuck-eat-like-crazy-day for a feast I am planning at Mike EK's house first day of spring break.

My friend Mack says hes certain he can hook me up with a job this summer, which is awesome. I hope it actually happens.

I am thinking of bringing my car down for spring qtr so I can get to the valley quicker, anytime I choose to. Cost-Benefit (Econ lol) wise its worth it, just as long as gas is still pretty low. That way I can chill with friends too without going home. (sidenote: I am sorry to my peeps for being so anal about going home whenever we hang out. My parents care about my safety, most likely because they love me, and they lost one child already. Its hard for them to be loose about my wherabouts because they dont want me to lose me as well :/ )

I am thinking of joining a Frat next qtr. I just feel it would be good to make some friends and connections for job oppurtunities. I will have to rush though, and I need to impress them to get in, which will be hard for me to do. I am trying to lose more weight so that I will have confidence to be who I really am, which I think is good. I hope my grades do not fuck up for doing this.

Lakers are not playing good :/. whats up with all the slack? I am making an effort not to watch because I waste time if they lose. Hope they break the funk

Resident Evil 5 comes out soon. My spring break is going to fun.

1:50am right now. Have to wake up for a 8:00 am lecture tomorrow, which means waking up at 7:00 am to shower and eat. ugh.

Im out

work work work

man how do you stay diligent its fucking hard. only robots can do this

wake up

kind of a tough week i just had. so behind on studies. need to catch up this weekend, but I'm afraid I am just going to slack off. Got to stay focused, on top of things. How do you stay focused on something when you do not really care about it. I don't know. Just do it. I am just lazy, and I procrastinate. Hard work will benefit me in the long run. I have been slacking off. Did not eat correctly and have been putting my diet aside. Need to get back to it today. It's hard.

On Wednesday, I went to an info meeting for coed business fraternity. some people were fake, just the vibe I got. Making these fake laughs and pissing me the hell off. To get in you need to the fraternity to choose you in during rush week, which means I have to be extra friendly to the members, get to know them and all that jazz. I do not know how to pull this off. I think need to do this though, get myself out there. It will help me stay connected and give me a social life.

Same old stuff with school nothing new. My parents come down tomorrow to hang out. I go home next weekend to watch Watchmen. Xbox 360, Laker games, and the internet keep my sane. See you later.

i feel

afraid. i feel like I know my impending doom is coming. fuck.

the first rant of many rants to come

where to begin...

im tired, i do not know what is pushing me to lose weight or study hard. I do not even know if its worth it. I believe I do an intense workout at the gym, about 1 and a half hours of exercising. Always procrastinate with work, but manage to get it done (inefficiently). Today was busy, study, workout, and wasting time checking the internet in between. No time with friends. No social life. Just studying and working out. Living the college life right?

I am afraid of my econ midterm score, I thought I did well, felt confident, but as always I could have made silly mistakes somewhere. Its funny, I feel I know the material well but three careless mistakes on the test and there goes an A. You ask, why do I strive for an A? The main reason is that my Dad expects me to get these grades. It is not easy, its a lot of pressure, and I feel worthless every time I do not meet his expectations. Sometimes I don't care about getting good grades. All I want is to be free of expectations of others and to be able to live under my own. I want my life to be my own, not always under the authority of my parents. I know I am just like every teenager. But what I want is simple.

And hey, I know getting good grades will be good for my future. But, I want to be able to make those standards for myself, because in the end if I fail I only disappoint myself. Maybe I am just young and naive. I should be working my ass off. My parents worked hard to support me and gave up their own lives so that I could have all the oppurtunities possible.

I think this sucks. I did not ask to be born. No one gave me that choice. Now I have to live with making my parents proud. This is why I do not want children.

Then again, I am only 19. What the fuck do I know? If you are reading this and thinking it is all stupid, I'm sorry. This is how I feel. I felt this way so many times. What solution do I always think of?

Watch this clip from American Beauty:



So many fucking people have it worse than me. There are so many people who would die to be in my position. I hate fucking whiners. Just shut the fuck up and do what you have to do. People are starving, people are born with bad parents, people dont have all the oppurtunities you or me have. So, what do I fucking do. Just shut my fucking naive ass up and do what I need to do. Be grateful of my stupid little life. That is what I am going to do tomorrow, study for my math midterm, wishing to be eating panda express three times a day, playing a game of geometry wars (thanks zach), facebooking myspacing twittering wooting whatever, then going to sleep.

"i try to calm my nerves, as I observe this is just one day. What tomorrow has in store we can never be sure, so all we can do is pray"

i aint even fucking religious. ill shut the fuck up now.

round 2: 18-25

Aight sorry going to finish this and get back to work

18. I have always kind of wanted a golden retriever.

19. I have always wanted to have a long and serious relationship with a girl. You know, the one where you only care about each other and know everything about each other. Never had the chance to experience it.

20. If there is one shoe I can have, it is the Air Jordan Retro 8, Black/Aqua. It is the coolest shoe I have ever seen, I wish I could buy it.

21. When I grow up, the dream car I want is a Prius, like the top model. All I want I really do not care about cars.

22. I am just starting to fall in love with cereal. It is so good I never knew it was so good.

23. I have never been to a Laker game, I have made it a life goal to at least sit once in the front row, next to like Jack Nicholson or something.

24. When I am older, I want to take a year off traveling the world and just relaxing, reflecting on life and enjoying the sights it has to offer.

25. I hope writing in this blog means something.

Everyones been doing this on facebook, but im doing this on blogspot

Rules:

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

1. Where do I start, shit. I go to UC San Diego and in majoring in managerial science.

2. I intend to have a career in business or economics because it is the field that interest me most. I mean its important that you major in something that you want to do, or else you are fucked.

3. I want to make so much money. I know some people will look down upon me when I say this but coming from a family who did not have the luxury to have emergency savings it sucks and its hard. I really can care less about material bullshit. However you have to realize the world we are living in and you never know whats coming for you. You need to have security because stress kills.

4. I do not want to have kids. Maybe this is coming from my experience with my dad, or maybe because I am still young and naive. Raising children is extremely difficult. There is so much responsibility that people do not recognize and I believe its unfair to not give a child everything it needs to be successful. I am probably an idiot for saying this. I am only 19. Shit you probably might not even read this.

5. I am fucking crazy and I overthink shit. I hope I do not have a mental disorder.

6. Politics are crazy. I remember reading something a very good friend of mine Daniel Pezzi wrote saying that he "believes in equality for human beings." I could not agree more. (Sidenote: Daniel Pezzi is a motherfucking genius. I hope he reads this blog and is inspired to write one as well just so I can gain wisdom and insight from his incredible mind). Anyway I am very liberal. I want want things to be fair and just for all people. Now in terms of economic policies. I am learning econ right now and I am discovering why Republicans believe in their economic ideologies. I mean I believe in a principle that people with great power and wealth should help people who do not have it. Like that saying from Spiderman: "With great power comes great responsibility." Government interventention creates ineffiecient outcomes. I am just learning the basics but so far the principle I have been learning is that you should let the market work itself out. I dont know dude. Maybe I'm naive. I still have a lot to learn. I probably sound like a hypocrite saying all this "help the people out crap." I mean I do not need all the shit I have now. Just the basic necessities. But in the end I dont care. See what I said about my mind being complex. I turned one random fact into a fucking paragraph of 132431 facts. lol.

7. I cant believe my last fact was that long.

8. I used to weigh 270 - 280 pounds. I have been fat all my life. It has affected me so much. I can not even explain. If I weighed my ideal weight you would see someone so different. Both physically and mentally. I would be more confident, more closer to women. I have a huge sense for the fashion world. I would be looking so good...I know that whining wont do anything. So I am trying to do something about it. Whining wont do anything!

9. I now weigh about 225 pounds. Yeah I am getting there. I try to eat healthy and work out every other day. It is hard, but it is working. I need to get back to my hustle tomorrow. I have taken basically a week off because of my birthday and midterms. I hope I dont quit. About last year I was at the same weight range but I slipped off and gained 30 pounds. It is hard, it really is.

10. My brother died when I was 16. Man this fact should be long. I need another day to clarify on this fact. If I were to write about this I would probably write a fucking novel. I'll leave this to another day in my life.

11. My first year of college has been pretty lonely. A lot of people hear me say this and yah it has. Sorry. I have a hard time making friends. I know whining won't do anything. I intend to join a club next quarter. I will let you know about that later in another post.

12. My dad does drugs. Yah this needs another post to explain. But this has affected the life of mine, my brother who passed away, and my mother. Very long post for this will come later as well.

13. I love "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button." I do not know why so many people bag on this movie. I thought it was really good. This movie has helped me so much in 2009. I downloaded from Zshare and have watched some key scenes from it at least like 30 times. I will post something about this later.

14. Kid Cudi, a musician, is getting big in my life. Move over Kanye, this guy is crazy.

15. I am a serious Lakers fanatic. Watching the 2008-2009 season games has kept me sane. I am so into it that its not even funny. I watch away games on a streaming site (My boy Robin Roces knows whats up), and fortunately La Jolla broadcasts home games even though it is a Los Angeles based team. I know all the games that are coming up. Hopefully they will win the championship this year. They have a really good shot.

16. I want to work so bad this summer. It was one of my goals last summer but it could not happen (sidenote: last summer was intense, maybe I will post something on it later). I have made it a goal to work this summer. Lets hope it happens.

17. I really should be studying right now. It is actually 2:20 a.m. right now. I should go to sleep. I will finish the last 8 other facts later. Peace.

Genesis

Hello world, you are entering the mind of John Concillo. I am 19 years old but feel much, much older. I do not even know if you are going to read this, or if you even care about me. My friend Zach started to do some blogging and kind of inspired me to do the same, so I thought of trying it out. Maybe it could serve as a tool of therapy, or just a tool of providing my wisdom, or as a way to procrastinate from my schoolwork. Who knows. As for now, I do not think I will show this blog to anyone. I want this blog to be as true as I can make it, no gimmicks. Later on I will present this to the closet people I know I guess. If you know me well or do not know me at all, I hope this blog does not creep you out. I am a human being. I have strong emotions and a lot has happened to me over my life. I am pretty much the quiet guy in the corner who doesn't say anything but observes. I think so much, way too much. It is ridiculous. I was listening to a song lyric that said "you could commit suicide trying to read my mind." I feel that describes my mind. Man just thinking of the human mind is crazy. Man, see I am overthinking this shit right now lol. Anyways, I intend for this blog to show you who I am. It can be updated frequently or randomly. Keep checking for updates. Hopefully it will benfit both of us. I'm out.