just realized that being isolated and alone from people is something i kinda prefer. just spent the whole weekend "studying" managing to get some work done. didnt go out to eat, didnt go party and bullshit, just in my room trying to study and taking eating breaks, or watching basketball games and nfl games. i guess i have a midterm this week so i got an excuse, but i kinda of like this.
there are times when im walking between classes and i see people that i know, and i try to avoid them to give that awkward greeting. i really dont know why i do this, i guess its just cause im tired of people judging me. id rather be alone and not be judged, then try being social and i guess being judged? idk that last paragraph seems very awkward. if you want clarification just ask.
thats why i want a girlfriend. i just want the companionship of one person, someone to spend my idle time with, someone to be there when i really need help, and someone to satisfy me sexually (cmon im human, just being honest). i cant explain how good of a boyfriend i would be, i would never cheat on her, never disrespect her, never harm her, never lie to her. i wish there was some way i could show this girls, but i keep to myself so its hard to show this.
so i guess im just gonna continue to do my best in school, and keep working and saving money. on my tumblr you know im trying to get some toys and begin making some music. but for now, just need to stay focused, hungry, and diligent.
plus i need to work out. like really.
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Hey Patrick. Just to let you know that there's nothing strange about wanting to be alone. I want to be alone all the time! Sadly, with my work I'm always constantly bombarded by tons of people.
ReplyDeleteI also think your introspection makes you very self-aware and that's not a bad thing at all. This is from my readings and learnings on Buddhism and Taoism - it is our ego that drives us to want and desire all sorts of things. When the desire is strong, there is no contentment. Once you become aware that's it's your ego talking, you have the ability to tell it to shut up (and maybe there will be some peace). I really didn't discover this til I was about 28 yrs old (I'm 34 now).
The whole world is actually like what the movie "The Matrix" depicts it. It's all illusions and everything you're going through is temporary (good and bad).
I hope you find some comfort in my words.
Hugs from Toronto, Canada.