Am I weird?

So why wont you ask me to hang out with you?

Thoughts so far

Hey,

So things are looking too good right now. I am pretty broke, I havent lost any weight, and I am not doing to well in school. My midterms came back and they were pretty much shit. I am completely lost in my multi variable calc class. I have been procrastinating to the max right now, and I am only managing to do average. It sucks, because if you did not know already my dad is pretty anal about me getting good grades. So all I can do is sigh and get myself back together. It is like climbing out of quicksand. You have to be smart about what you do, or else one false move and you are pretty much fucked.

On the other hand, I am working right now so some cash is coming in. I just need to be smart with money, just do other day I spent like 80 dollars in one day. Wtf. I remember back to my old days, when I would hustle like crazy and save my money. It seems I cant do that now. I remember last winter too, when I would work out like three times a day, and study like crazy. I was antisocial, but I was doing pretty good. Loneliness killed me at that time, but it seems like my disappointment is taking its toll this time. I have said this before, but the grass is always greener on the other side.

So, going back to the idea of my title, here is some of the knowledge I have gained through this quarter:

- Nothing worth having comes easy:
You can only take pride in hard work. Nothing impressive comes easy. Practice, discipline, dedication. With these features you can conquer anything.

- Intellect is the most attractive feature:
Although I am trapped by the social construct of attractiveness in the opposite sex, the feature of intelligence and wisdom appeals to me the most. As of now, I am attracted to this one girl who I can connect on a whole other plateau. Her mind is beautiful, and it drives me crazy.

- Happiness is only achieved collectively:
You cant be happy alone. You need to share with someone else, or a group of friends.

- Dont do nothin':
Keep yourself busy. Whether its school, friends, work, etc. Do not waste time, be productive, and most of all be happy with what you do. You never know if you will reach tomorrow.

- I will never be content with myself:
I do not know if this applies to anyone, but for me being content with life is impossible. When I do well in school, I feel like a loner. When I hang out with friends, I feel like a failure. I am always self conscious and never take pride in myself. I can only change myself and I know this. I guess what I am trying to say is, lol idk. Youth sucks.

- Do well in school:
Just do it. You might as well. It will benefit you in the future, and not as many people have this opportunity.

So I guess, just keep going on. If you are not happy with yourself, work harder and stop bitching like I am on this blog. You have to work hard to be happy. And I guess share your happiness with others. There is nothing more fulfilling to me than seeing other people happy because of my actions. Fuck the past too. Learn from your mistakes, learn how to win. Don't dwell in regret, its wasted energy. Move on.

I will try to. I hope you do too.

"You can make the future, but its starts with leaving the past"<-- I think I have blogged this before lol.

i need to change my ways

now.

Maybe

I will work hard tomorrow

No time

Too busy y'all. Work. School. AKPSI. AND MIDTERMS.

Say what up if you see me on gchat between 12am and 6am. ill be on alot this week.

a new hope

I got a job. Getting pretty close to AKPsi people. School is ok, like my classes, but need to get my studying done.

I guess this blog is just saying that I have been fortunate to get a job in this shitty economy. I feel like I earned this, but could not have gotten it with my journey through my crazy life. Looking back, If I didnt go to hth, I wouldnt have a job there, and I probably wouldnt have gone to UCSD, because I learned about COSMOS at UCSD, which helped influence me to go to UCSD. If I didnt go to HTH but went to UCSD I wouldnt have gotten that job because Jack Kushnatsian would not have recommended me. So what am I trying to tell you? I have no fucking clue lol. I guess its that its funny to look back on your life and see how the pieces fit together. Life is a series of intersecting lives and incidents. Reflect on your life, if you are reading this. It is one of the best things if you live a really good life or really shitty life. Reflect.

Thank you Jack Kushnatsian, even though you are most likely never going to read this. I am eternally grateful. I have a lot of school work to catch up on. I do not see myself sleeping a lot this next week, with rush week, work orientation, and studying.

So I am in school, I have a decent job, and making some pretty good friends. I am thinking of venturing to another aspect of life. Love. Maybe I am way over my head, but I promised myself if I got a job I was going to take a shot at it. I will let you know what happens with this in another blog.




Oh, I still need to lose weight too.




But, a new hope for a more productive and happy life is here. Going to build on it and make better choices for a better life.

So until then, this life is just a dream.

the beginning of the second year of college

I move in to my dorm at 3:00 pmtoday. I am still not finished packing, plus I need to sleep. I am sorry I have not been updating this, I just never had the heart to do so. This summer, was a failure to me. As I have always believed throughout my life, I did not lose weight. I actually gained weight. Everything I worked hard for, vanished through this summer. I did not get a job, and actually increased my debt. I did not take 2 classes, only 1, but I still managed to get an A.

I have lost my swagger, momentum, and confidence that allow me to be the best that I can be. I hate to blame my problems on other people, but I believe my dad and my Grandma prevented me from achieving my goals. My dad still acts the same. It seems this whole summer. I try to avoid him because of his annoying nature. My Grandma moved into my house for about a month, and now she moved back out. All the work my parents and I did to move her in seems like it was not appreciated, and in all honesty was a waste of our time. Old people, and parents, are some of the complicated things in life.

I read a book, called the Five People You Meet in Heaven, and I learned that in life you are going to have to sacrifice for other people and forgive other people for their mistakes and problems. Its totally easier said than done, but still nonetheless true.

So now, back to the same weight range I was a year ago, and almost 700 dollars in debt, only I can solve these problems. I am taking five classes, and going to have to find a job. I want to get back to the gym, no more serious shit, realistic goals because that is the only true way to lose weight.

On another note, if I have the power to, I do not have to live in this house anymore. And trust me I dont. I am going to do everything in my power to not come back here again, because I only feel trapped and controlled when I am in this house. I love my parents, but I cant live with them. So, this can actually be the last day I am permanently in this house. But I can never tell.

So, back to school. I hope I do everything I am striving for. Good night, and see you around.