im tired of feeling like shit all the time

but nothing will change unless i do anything. i keep telling myself that but......

fuck

school, money, materialism, work, expectations

are you really happy with what you are doing? does learning about some random shit you are never gonna use in your life make you feel good? and does doing well on a test based on pure memorization without learning the true concept mean anything? do you really want to go to college or are you being forced by society, capitalism, parents? are learning what you really want to learn?

ask yourself.

relocate

i kinda migrated to a new blogging system --> aphaseick.tumblr.com

this blogging site seems more media friendly, plus the system is more cleaner and simpler than blogger. if you want to see me give small updates, you should probably look there. so heres a rundown of how to follow my meaningless life

http://www.facebook.com/john.concillo --> you really cannot follow me here, its more like i follow you

twitter.com/john__Sea --> up to the minute pointless updates

aphaseick.tumblr.com --> funny cool types of media i have come across, inspirational quotes, thoughts from my mind

http://johnconcillo.blogspot.com --> more intimate breakdown of my life. a diary i want to be read by only my closet followers.

so yah, check up on this site once in a while to see how I am really doing. As for now its just school and work. yah nothing much. my birthday is coming up, but im not expecting much out of it, just a good time to relax, eat a good meal, watch the All Star game, and hang out with my friends back home. Thats all I can really ask for on my birthday. but until then, im just working hard and hardly working.

revelations

just realized that being isolated and alone from people is something i kinda prefer. just spent the whole weekend "studying" managing to get some work done. didnt go out to eat, didnt go party and bullshit, just in my room trying to study and taking eating breaks, or watching basketball games and nfl games. i guess i have a midterm this week so i got an excuse, but i kinda of like this.

there are times when im walking between classes and i see people that i know, and i try to avoid them to give that awkward greeting. i really dont know why i do this, i guess its just cause im tired of people judging me. id rather be alone and not be judged, then try being social and i guess being judged? idk that last paragraph seems very awkward. if you want clarification just ask.

thats why i want a girlfriend. i just want the companionship of one person, someone to spend my idle time with, someone to be there when i really need help, and someone to satisfy me sexually (cmon im human, just being honest). i cant explain how good of a boyfriend i would be, i would never cheat on her, never disrespect her, never harm her, never lie to her. i wish there was some way i could show this girls, but i keep to myself so its hard to show this.

so i guess im just gonna continue to do my best in school, and keep working and saving money. on my tumblr you know im trying to get some toys and begin making some music. but for now, just need to stay focused, hungry, and diligent.

plus i need to work out. like really.

something's got to give

haha. thats all you can do when you look back at the stupidity of youth. laugh. right now i am currently still on the ucsd campus, not even in my own dorm. i recently got in an argument with my father, over grades. it wasn't like i failed or anything, i just didn't get straight A's, or something close to it. Three B+'s and a C. To be honest, I do not really know what happened this quarter, I guess my heart was more geared towards building on my relationships with my fraternity.

I guess I am just overthinking things too seriously, I just feel like all the effort I put, trying to put myself out there, gets no results. Maybe people have their own lives, maybe I am just beyond the point of creating strong relationships of people. For example, I think people are have created cliques in my frat, and its just too hard to join them already.

Maybe I am doing the wrong things, or its my actions that are drifting me away from making friends. For example, I work, I go home, or I spend time with my friends back home that takes away special moments which could bring people together.

Maybe there is something wrong with me, that I am just too fucking weird, too fucking ugly, too fucking whack that nobody wants to be my fucking friend.

Maybe everything is working against me, that is just making me fucking alienable to my friends.

Whatever the fuck it is, I do not fucking care anymore. I have had it, I am tired of trying to please other people so that I can enjoy the happiness that comes out of social relations. I am either doing the wrong things or overthinking this shit way over, and its just fucking with my future. I mean the point of me going to college is to get a good job, and fucking it up over nothing is pointless. That is my problem. Balance, I cannot balance two opposing forces to achieve peace of mind. I cannot lose weight because I either go on a fucking eating rampage or go completely cold turkey. I cannot be happy in school, because I cant enjoy a nice social life without focusing on school. I fucking hate it. I am tired.

The past week, I kind of realized that I prefer to be alone. It is peaceful, I dont deal with other people's ideas, attitudes, or the stress with trying to please other people. I just focus on my attitudes and what I want to do. It is kind of selfish, but fuck, sometimes it is just the most peaceful way. I am tired of feeling to pain of not being socially accepted, I would rather focus on my personal goals instead of fucking them up for nothing. That is why I deleted all my social networks. I am tired of you assholes. Fuck you.

--

For my dad, fuck man. Give me a break. Being a teenager is fucking difficult. Why cant you see that. You call me selfish, but you get mad whenever things the way you want it do not end up your way. You are a fucking drug addict.

I told him to use my brother's insurance money (the money I was using to pay for school) to go to a legitimate rehab center. I hope he does it. I am tired that my Mom and I go through the shit he creates because of drugs. Fuck drugs, fuck alcohol, fuck everythign lol.

I do not know what the fuck is going to happen. What the shitty way to end the year. I am probably going to spend Christmas alone. I am just, ughh. I am so disgusted with who I am right now, and what I have to deal with. Sometimes, I just fucking arghfau.

I cant fucking complain, I know that. So many people have way fucking worse than I do. It just fucking sucks, you know. It just does.

You probably have no idea what I am talking about, you probably think I am just some emo motherfucker complaining about stupid shit. Well you know what you will see a different side of me from now on. Something's got to give. I am tired of life always fucking sucking balls. I cant play with the hand I have been dealt. I need to change my cards.

im drifting in deep waters

alone with my self-doubting again

try not to struggle this time

for i will weather the storm

i gotta remember, dont fight it

even if i, dont like it

somehow turn me around

no matter how far i drift

deep waters wont scare me tonight

I look in the mirror

Disappointment, regret, disgusted, and angry. I am the only one who can change those ideas though....Need to fix everything up.