the first rant of many rants to come

where to begin...

im tired, i do not know what is pushing me to lose weight or study hard. I do not even know if its worth it. I believe I do an intense workout at the gym, about 1 and a half hours of exercising. Always procrastinate with work, but manage to get it done (inefficiently). Today was busy, study, workout, and wasting time checking the internet in between. No time with friends. No social life. Just studying and working out. Living the college life right?

I am afraid of my econ midterm score, I thought I did well, felt confident, but as always I could have made silly mistakes somewhere. Its funny, I feel I know the material well but three careless mistakes on the test and there goes an A. You ask, why do I strive for an A? The main reason is that my Dad expects me to get these grades. It is not easy, its a lot of pressure, and I feel worthless every time I do not meet his expectations. Sometimes I don't care about getting good grades. All I want is to be free of expectations of others and to be able to live under my own. I want my life to be my own, not always under the authority of my parents. I know I am just like every teenager. But what I want is simple.

And hey, I know getting good grades will be good for my future. But, I want to be able to make those standards for myself, because in the end if I fail I only disappoint myself. Maybe I am just young and naive. I should be working my ass off. My parents worked hard to support me and gave up their own lives so that I could have all the oppurtunities possible.

I think this sucks. I did not ask to be born. No one gave me that choice. Now I have to live with making my parents proud. This is why I do not want children.

Then again, I am only 19. What the fuck do I know? If you are reading this and thinking it is all stupid, I'm sorry. This is how I feel. I felt this way so many times. What solution do I always think of?

Watch this clip from American Beauty:



So many fucking people have it worse than me. There are so many people who would die to be in my position. I hate fucking whiners. Just shut the fuck up and do what you have to do. People are starving, people are born with bad parents, people dont have all the oppurtunities you or me have. So, what do I fucking do. Just shut my fucking naive ass up and do what I need to do. Be grateful of my stupid little life. That is what I am going to do tomorrow, study for my math midterm, wishing to be eating panda express three times a day, playing a game of geometry wars (thanks zach), facebooking myspacing twittering wooting whatever, then going to sleep.

"i try to calm my nerves, as I observe this is just one day. What tomorrow has in store we can never be sure, so all we can do is pray"

i aint even fucking religious. ill shut the fuck up now.